


your sickening desire

by haarucchii



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Langst, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Pining Keith (Voltron), Unhealthy Relationships, Voltron: Legendary Defender Season 2 Spoilers, both canon divergent and canon compliant, canon divergent after season 2, i spent way too long writing this that idc anymore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:18:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9435815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haarucchii/pseuds/haarucchii
Summary: In a weird timing of events, before everything, Lance finds a prince and Lotor falls for a paladin.[rewriting]





	1. before:

**Author's Note:**

> edit: lotor is my morally grey son and i had notes earlier callin him a piece of shit and thts still my view but honeslty im in too deep in lotor hell so thx for visiting this shitshow

Hey guys!

 

I made the executive decision to just delete all the chapters prior to the rewrite, feeling that i needed a new start and I wanted you guys to see it too. 

 

But no worries!

 

[this](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1v2JMCl7M8xR6drQyWGYBmQPhXDBuQewP/view?usp=sharing) is a link to the previous version of ysd, which includes all the chapters and notes. this decision took me a while to make but i'm really content with it. 

 

anyways, the first chapter of the rewrite should be up soon. i'm planning to change up the entire plot and make it a purely lancelot focused story and i'm so excited for it tbh!!! i really want this to be a work i'm proud of and this rewrite will be it. thank you guys so much for understanding and waiting so patiently and i hope you enjoy the first few parts of the rewrite, which aren't that different since the beginning is the same.

 

thanks again!

 

 


	2. two; an idea spirals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitches thought you'd seen the last of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuse that this is so late tbh but i finally have an outline after months of planning and replanning and now i have it down to 2 endings so maybe near the end ill host a poll on twit sorry yall u guys probs wont even like it im sorry

When Lance thinks of Voltron, he thinks of the entire team dynamic as of now. 

Shiro is gone. 

And it feels like only yesterday that Voltron was formed to fight against the evil Galra. 

In reality, it’s only been a few months. A few months since the team was taken away from their home planet, a few months since they were forced to fight in a war that was never their business to begin with. A few months ago, Hunk, Pidge and Lance met up with Keith and Shiro and traveled lightyears away from home. 

A few months ago, Shiro became the leader of Voltron. Together, they all created a bond with strangers they barely knew— then suddenly knew all at once. 

A few days ago, Shiro disappeared from the Black Lion after the fateful battle with Zarkon. He disappeared without a trace, like Luke Skywalker in The Force Awakens. But this… this was worse in Lance’s eyes. 

Because not only did they not know where he went, but Voltron was sent into such a state of disorder that it takes them more than a few days to get over this loss— if they should even call it that. 

It was an odd state that Voltron was in, a very, very odd state.

 

 

 

Keith was stressing out over the disappearance of Shiro, and who wouldn’t be? Their leader was gone after the anticipated final battle that seemed to be not as climactic as it should’ve felt. Lance knows the basics— knows that Zarkon was the previous Black Paladin and that they finally got the bayard that was meant for Shiro to wield. But the next fact was painstakingly obvious and confusing to everyone.

Shiro wasn’t there anymore. 

The entire team was tense due to the events of the past couple weeks. Everyone was exhausted and fatigued beyond normal standards, yet they still stood on edge while they waited for the results in the common room. Lance takes the moment to think about what had led up to what happened, he thinks about any way that he could have saved Shiro or if Voltron could’ve saved them. 

He closes his eyes, and his mind draws a blank. The entire team has been thrown in a loop so wide that they still haven’t gotten the aftershocks of it yet. The facts: Keith was part Galra, Keith was going to probably join the Blade of Marmora once they knew for sure that Shiro is home and that Zarkon is dead. Lance knows that Keith will throw himself in a wreck trying to find his best friend. 

And Lance doesn’t do anything about it. 

A few weeks ago, they met Ulaz. A couple weeks ago, they formed an unlikely alliance with the Blade and Lance sees from the corner of his eyes that Allura stands more rigid in their presence, not trusting but also conflicted. 

Because Keith was her paladin. But Keith was part Galra. 

Lance should’ve seen this coming, when they first revealed the truth about his heritage and the way Allura refused to look Keith in the eye soon after that. He knows that she’s going through some stuff, but he should have known that this was the beginning of the cracks that would form in their bond. 

Now, thinking back on it, Lance realizes that Keith and Shiro were never quite the same after leaving the main base of the Blade. After Ulaz’s sacrifice, Keith held himself differently. Guarded himself. And if Lance thought that Keith was reckless _before_ he realized his heritage, then it increased tenfold with more time that he spent with Kolivan and the others. 

Lance thinks back further now, from when they all separated from that impromptu fight with the Galra and when they all thought they were ready to bring Zarkon down. They were wide-eyed in wonder at that point in time and Lance thinks about how that naivety has faded since spending all this time in space— in war. Lance thinks about the time that Shiro spent in the healing pod, how Keith would spend hours of his time sitting in front and looking at Shiro in pain and with a feeling that Lance couldn’t place exactly. Confusion? Worry? Lance didn’t know. With the second, more prepared, fight against Zarkon, they nearly lost Allura in the battle too. 

Jesus, Zarkon’s got some crazy, fucking bitches on his side. 

Who’s next now, following this line of attack?

Keith?

Lance didn’t want to think about that. 

But now? Now they’re back in real time. Shiro’s gone, and the team is stuck in this moment in time where things don’t feel real. Lance tries to crack jokes, maybe a quintant or two later when they all had the time to at least realize the gravity of the situation. But no one takes him up on his jabs. Allura stares at him blankly. Keith glares from his side of the room and stalks out when Lance tries to bother him especially.All he got from the others were just reprimands and pushes to get him to act more seriously. 

Which, he was! They just didn’t realize it yet, but they can’t do anything while moping around all day. 

Lance wasn’t able to support everyone in the way that Shiro and Keith could support each other, in the way that Pidge and Hunk leaned on each other, in the way that Allura and Coran can rely on each other. 

Lance was just… alone. 

Did he have a reason to stay with the team, after all this? 

He remembers asking a similar question in Beta Traz, with the giant yupper that he _swore_ was Slav. Did he have a real purpose within the team? Because everyone else did— Hunk with his engineering abilities, Shiro’s literal perfection, Pidge the fucking _prodigy_ and Keith… 

Keith who was just out of their league in general by being someone who was literally otherwordly. 

Don’t get Lance get started on Keith, seriously. With all those cool stunts that he did before he found his heritage, it seems damn near impossible for it to even catch up to him, nonetheless get on his level. Like, honestly, who else in this team can hack in the Galra databases with his DNA? How metal is that? It’s pretty fucking metal, in Lance’s opinion. 

But the truth hits Lance harder than expected. What could _he_ do to contribute to the team? He can’t hack, he doesn’t have the skills to do anything that his friends specialize in. Lance spends nights before and after Shiro’s disappearance thinking about his place on the team. The question weighs so heavily in his mind that it’s what he hyper-focuses on for hours. He thinks of his good traits— the fact that he’s a good shot, that he’s the sharpshooter of the team, but it’s nothing to do it with a gun since Keith is able to do that with a fucking _dagger._ The only thing that Lance can say he’s adequately good at is something that everyone else is proficient in doing without him anyways. Pidge has her hook-slash-taser thing that goes wherever she wants, and Hunk doesn’t need to aim with his giant fucking canon. 

It keeps Lance up at night and leaves him restless in the morning. He knows, deep down, that he shouldn’t spend this time moping around. Shiro isn’t there to put their asses into gear, to keep their spirits up. Shiro isn’t there to shut Lance down when he becomes too much, and Lance knows that he feels like he’s _too much_ too often. Shiro isn’t there to bring Keith out of his comfort zone, to comfort Pidge and talk to her about her family. 

As a caretaker of his nieces, nephews, and older siblings, it’s like an ancient calling that beckons Lance to this revelation. If Shiro isn’t here to help the others cope, this Lance will. He can’t let the team, so strong and so fearless, let this loss affect them for longer than it should. Lance can’t spend any more time focusing on what he should’ve done to help, when now he can just focus on what he can do. 

If there’s anyone on this team who is able to help his team, it’s Lance. 

He’s not good at other things, but if it’s one thing he can really pride himself on, it’s the fact that he can help his friends. His team. 

He will help them, no matter what. 

He’ll make sure of it. 

 

 

—

 

Keith’s room is his first stop, mainly because Lance knows that Keith hasn’t left his room in the days after Shiro’s disappearance. It’s going to be a tough one, Lance knows, because Keith doesn’t trust anyone else other than Shiro and that’s the known fact. Also, Keith’s room is right next door. 

So, convenience and doing the hardest task first. 

He stands in front of Keith’s door, thinking of the words he’ll say and wiping sweaty palms on the front of his shirt. With shaking hands, he knocks twice on the door and waits. It’s silence for a moment or two before Keith’s voice, quiet and muffled, comes through the door in a quiet _’come in.’_ Cautiously, Lance waits for the door to slide open and makes his way to where Keith is buried under his blankets. Unlike with Pidge or Hunk, Lance doesn’t run and immediately jump onto Keith. 

No, Lance has to be more careful with Keith. 

The latter is under his blankets, staring blankly at the dagger from the Blade. When Keith realizes that it’s Lance in the room, he places the dagger down and turns to face him. “What is it now, Lance?” Keith asks. “I’m not in the mood for any of your games or your teasing, or for you to pick on me.” He sounds so, so tired. 

Lance feels a twinge of pain hit his chest and crosses his arms. “If you think I’m that shallow, you have another thing coming, Kogane!” Keith just turns his head into the pillow and Lance takes a deep breath. “Hey, listen, dude. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Not very well, thanks.” Keith dryly replies.

 _”Listen,”_ Lance snaps back, “I know the entire Shiro situation has been tough and confusing, for you and for all of us—”

“You don’t know.” Keith hisses, sitting up in his bed and Lance sees him in all his bed-headed glory. “I’m sorry, Lance. You _don’t_ know what I’m feeling through all this, You couldn’t understand, you weren’t close to Shiro like I was.” Lance feels irritation swell in the way that Lance always feels whenever Keith quickly dismisses his own feelings, but he quells the rise of anger and takes a deep breath. He’s here to help, not kick Keith when he’s already down and in pain. 

“I don’t know what you feel like.” Lance replies. “But I know how I feel, and the way I feel and the way that you feel shouldn’t be all that different.” Lance feels weird, like confessing his own feelings to Keith isn’t something he should be doing. His throat is dry, and Keith’s eyebrows draw together and one rises up to create an inquisitive look on his face. _I want to be there for you._

“We haven’t been close, in the months we’ve been up here, fighting this war that isn’t our business.” Lance continues on. “Most of that may have been my fault… and it’s my fault that we aren’t as close as I would like us to be but… do you need a hug?” Lance sits himself at the edge of Keith’s bed with his arms open. 

He sees Keith’s hesitation one second, and in the next, Keith falls forward and wrap around Lance’s torso. As if by reflex, Lance wraps his arms and hugs Keith’s shoulders, pulling him close. “I don’t know what to do.” Keith says. “I’m so lost, Lance. So much has happened and I don’t know how to process any of this. It’s so overwhelming, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“None of us do, bud.” Lance mumbles back, running his hand through coarse black hair and hoping that the latter doesn’t hear the pounding of his heart. With his other hand resting on Keith’s back, he feels the steady beat of Keith’s heart. “None of us know how to react, or what to do. You’re not the only one who’s struggling with this right now.”

“You don’t understand.” Lance agrees, because he will never understand Keith’s thinking and his thoughts about Shiro. Keith’s arms tighten on his torso then loosen up. A moment later, Lance feels his shoulder dampen and Keith begins to shake.

Lance stays quiet, hums a quiet song, and they stay like that for a while. Keith soon moves his head to bury into the crook of Lance’s neck, arms moving down to wrap around his waist, and positioning himself so that Lance is basically caging Keith with his body. The former starts to rub soothing circles as the latter sobs, listening to the quiet whines and complaints that are too quiet beyond his own whimpers. 

After a while, Keith pulls away and rubs his eyes. He avoids Lance’s.

“You good now?” Lance asks. 

Keith nods. “I think I will be.” 

“Get some rest.” He replies, running his hand through Keith’s hair again and standing up. “You haven’t been sleeping well, I can tell. We can look for Shiro together, because we all know that he isn’t gone. He just can’t.”

For a moment, Keith looks like he wants to tell Lance something but decides against it. So Lance continues. “Just because we don’t have Shiro with us right now, doesn’t mean that we’re going to be lost forever. We’re motherfucking _Voltron!”_ He exclaims. “We’ll find a way out of this, because we always do.”

_Because if we don’t, I don’t know what I would do with myself._

Keith looks at his hands, and nods. “We will.” He says in certainty. The pain in Lance’s chest stays as Keith’s gaze hardens. “We have Voltron, we have each other.” He repeats the phrase a few more times and sets a hand on Lance’s shoulder to sit himself up properly. “We’ll do this, together.” 

“Fuck yeah, we will.” Lance says. 

Keith grins, wild and feral and looking a little more like himself. 

Lance’s grin feels forced when he returns Keith’s gesture. 

“Thank you for the comfort, Lance.” Keith admits, “I always thought you were just a douchebag who didn’t really wanna know what was going on— but I guess I was wrong.” He smiles at Lance and for a moment, the rivalry and irritation that slowly accumulated during the moment he spent with Keith dissipated, and his heart began to beat the tiniest bit faster.

_Stop it._

“Of course you were wrong about me! I’m the best, most good-looking, nicest guy on the team.” Lance lies, the words heavy on his tongue while he feels his face warm at Keith’s fond eye roll. 

_He’s too good, too perfect for you._

“I’ll be here, when you need me.” Lance then says, genuinely. At Keith’s nod, Lance pats the bed and makes a move to stand up. “Get some rest, bud. I’m going to just walk around the castle a little while longer.”

“Okay.” Keith replies softly. “I will, thanks.”

Lance waves and makes his way out his room, walks with purpose and proper posture until he turns the corner and promptly slumps against the wall with a heavy breath. Be still, my beating heart. He thinks. That will never happen.

After his chest stops pounding and his face returns to normal, he goes to Pidge. 

 

 

—

 

 

 

 

Pidge’s room is dark, with clutter on the floor and walls with the dimming light of the hall being the only source of brightness besides her computer screen. The moment Lance steps inside and the door closes to enshroud the room in darkness, he sees the younger girl staring at her computer screen with intent, eyes unblinking and hands flying across the keyboard at a breakneck pace. The bags under her eyes are obvious, seeming darker than they must be because of the artificial light. Lance knows things for a fact, and the reason why Pidge obviously hasn’t slept in days?

That’s a glaringly obvious fact. 

“You need to sleep.” Lance says, stepping up beside her bed and seeing her hands tremble for a moment before continuing their hasty programming. The plate of food goo he was balancing with a giant blanket is dumped unceremoniously on her lap, obscuring her screen and blocking her hands from moving. “ _And_ you need to eat. You’re going to run yourself dry if you keep this going, you already look like you’re about to pass out.”

“’M fine.” Pidge says, one hand lifting the plate up to pour the goo into her mouth, eyes never leaving her program. She barely gets half in her mouth, while the other hand falls onto her bed. “Shiro and Matt are out there, and I know that I’ll be able to find them soon. I’m almost at a breakthrough. _I can feel it.”_ Something happens on the screen and the program freezes, causing it’s creator to freeze too. “No! Shit! I don’t even know where my dad is either, not a single clue is leading up to him, so why should I sleep when that’s just wasting time that I need to use?”

Lance, unsure whether his legs are frozen or if he’s that stubborn, scowls at the youngest’s behaviour. “No?” He says. “You’re just a kid, Pidge. You aren’t even fifteen yet but I bet you already had three all-nighters in a row.” 

“What day is it?” She grumbles. “It hasn’t been that long, I swear.”

“You haven’t left your room since the day Shiro disappeared!” Lance exclaims, throwing his hands up and letting the blanket fall to the ground. “That was more than a week ago, who knows, maybe even two weeks! You, out of any of us, need a break most of all. You’re a kid, you need to be sleeping and stuff.”

“Lance!” Pidge exclaims,finally looking away from her laptop and to look at Lance fully, eyes narrowing and circles dark around her eyes. “We don’t have time to play around, _I_ don’t have the time to rest unlike you. We’re in a middle of a fucking _war,_ dude. If you think my age has anything to do with the fact that I’m possibly the only one capable of finding these three, then you’re the one who needs to back off.”

“You’re going to hurt yourself, Pidge. Then where will we be?” Lance snaps back. “You resting and taking a break, playing video games and giving your big head a chance to refresh itself isn’t going to waste as much time as you getting hurt and having to heal slow because you didn’t take care of yourself.”

“I can just use the healing pods! That’s why we are here, Lance. That’s what kept us alive after all these fights.” Pidge runs her hands through her hair in frustration. 

“Those can’t heal mental exhaustion.” _Trust me, I’ve been in there more than anyone else and I still feel as fatigued._ “C’mon, Pidge. You have to take a break. Walk around the castle with me, look at the artificial lights with me and pretend we’re back home. _Anything._ You need to at least stretch your legs.” He narrows his eyes at the way Pidge uncurls her legs from her position and winces. Hesitantly, she stands up on her feet and falters for a moment before standing straight. “Pidge…” He sighs. “How long have you been sitting there?” She freezes and avoids Lance’s gaze. 

“I plead the fifth.” She says. “Anyways, I’ll take a walk with you since you won’t stop bothering me.” She grabs his arm and they begin to walk. Lance ignores the way Pidge winces at her frozen legs and he slows his pace so she can get used to it. “Anyways, when did you get so mature?” She asks teasingly, wincing when Lance takes her left hand to stretch and crack the fingers. “Ow!”

“I’ll have you know, Pidge-Podge! I’m a loving uncle to too many kids with parents who love dumping their responsibilities on me when they’re too tired. Taking care of you is just like taking care of little Migu!” Lance sticks his tongue out, because he’s a mature adult. “I’m a specialist when it comes to dealing with _children_ like you.” 

“You got banned from the cafeteria for a month and Hunk had to sneak out to get you food.” Pidge deadpans. “You ended up almost going to the hospital because you got scurvy.”

“First of all!” Lance huffs. “I saw some douchebags teasing some other kids, so my uncle-ly instincts kicked in! Second of all, the Garrison let me starve rather than see who was right all along, so they’re also just horrible people and if I went to the hospital and exposed their asses, I would not regret it.” Pidge hums, and the two of them continue to leisurely walk down the halls of the castle, talking about nothing and everything— from how shitty the Garrison really is to how space food is universal. 

The walk was mostly a distraction so Lance could massage Pidge’s sore body parts that she wouldn’t have cared about doing if he hadn’t come by, the two of them doing some synchronized stretches in front of Keith’s door to see if the Red Paladin would leave during their sun salutation, but unfortunately didn’t happen. Lance didn’t push about anything, like playing the video game they still haven’t hooked up yet, but as they neared the common room, Pidge’s fatigue seemed to catch up to her. 

“I—” Pidge starts, but is interrupted by her own yawn. 

“I guess this is our last stop then!” Lance announces, stepping into the common room with his arms spread. “Nap time~!” Before Pidge could even begin to run, Lance’s hand is wrapped tight around her wrist and he’s staring at her with his eyes wide. 

All she could do was weakly struggle and let herself get dragged to the couches. “Lance—” Pidge groans. “I need to wor-AH!” She exclaims, letting herself get pulled down to the couch and on top of Lance. “What are you doing?” 

“I’m being your pillow! I may be skinny and bony, but I’m very comfortable. You’re going to nap on me for at least… an hour!” Lance cheerfully explains. “You’re not allowed to work until you get some shut-eye, bud.” _I don’t want to be alone, please don’t leave me._

“Who gave you this authority to boss me around, Lance?” Pidge hisses, fatigue and exhaustion and anger all finding their target on the Blue Paladin. “Now you decide to take some responsibility, when all you did was the opposite! We’ve been working our asses off, but all you’ve done was bring us down. You’re not my dad, you’re not my brother. You’re not even our leader!” Pidge weakly tries to pull out of Lance’s grip, which has significantly weakened. Tears are welling up as her voice raises higher and higher, until she’d borderline screaming at his teammate. “If I want to spend my time, _all my time,_ looking for the people who are important to me, you shouldn’t stop me!” By the time she finished, her face was tinged pink and her breathing was laboured. 

Lance kept a straight face. 

_That’s right. You aren’t Shiro. You don’t know what you’re doing— why should she listen to you?_

He opens his mouth, closes it, thinks of the words he has to say then opens his mouth again. “I’m not- I’m not trying to stop you, Pidge.” Lance says, willing his voice to not waver and to not show weakness. He can’t show that now, because Pidge will go for the throat before she sees reason. “You’re _ruininglater_ if you keep doing this. You’re one of the most important people in this group, and you’re just throwing it away in the beginning and not conserving energy.” He grabs her hands, holds it tight but not tight enough that it would cause her pain. “These right here? We need those if we want to find anyone. Your family? Shiro? Keith’s family, if we even wanted to? You have the brightest mind in this entire castle and you’re going to waste it if you hurt yourself now. It won’t help anyone, it’s not helping anyone now, if you don’t rest now.”

“You can’t say this! You’re taking too much rest.” Pidge cries. Lance agrees, deep down, that he isn’t doing anything.

But this isn’t the time for self pity, because this is him trying to mend the team together after this rift has been created. 

“I’m trying my best to find Shiro, and I’m so close to finding Matt and my dad that I could just feel it at the end of my fingertips. It’s right within my reach, and if I try a little harder, spend a little more time, then I can find them. I’m not going to let you, or anyone else, take that away from me.” Her voice cracks and breaks, eyes shining with unshed tears and Lance doesn’t want to see her cry, he knows that. He doesn’t want to see anyone cry. 

“Pidge, we’ve been following this lead for weeks now. It’s not going to slip away that quick from you, especially because they’ve lasted this long before. You’re a paladin of Voltron, one of the smartest people I know, and an honest-to-god _genius._ You can create codes and pick up on the slightest of hints and make the most complex algorithms that it would take Hunk at least hours to figure out back at school!” He deflates, seeing Pidge widen her eyes at his exclamation and reel back. “You’re fourteen, kid. Taking on the world by yourself is the opposite of what Voltron is, of what we are doing here. Have you ever thought of asking Hunk for help?”

Teardrops fall one by one as Pidge sniffles and wipes her eyes, “N-no.” She says. “I haven’t… I’ve been too focused ever since Shiro left to even think about talking to Hunk.” Lance gives her a flat look, and he gestures to the couch as she continues to speak and follow his movements stiffly. “I didn’t want to ask anyone.”

“You should have, maybe we will be able to find out what’s happening soon, _if_ you ask for help and get another set of eyes.” He pauses, sitting on the couch and letting Pidge take her spot before grabs her by the torso and pulls her down to lie on top of him. “But you’re right, Pidge. I haven’t been doing my job, or my best, and I promise to do more around here. Shiro being gone— with him not lecturing me to do things— made me realize that I need to pick up the pace and get with the times.” 

“It’s fine.” Pidge sighs, too tired and relaxed in the heat of Lance’s body to even try escaping. “I’m sorry. I was too insensitive. You are trying you’re best, I know, because you’re trying with me right now.” She shudders in a breath and deflates even more. “Maybe I do need to sleep… I’m so sorry for exploding on you and taking out all my frustrations.”

“It’s fine.” Lance says, “Don’t berate yourself like that, it’s okay to have feelings.” He pats her head and hears her breathing slow. 

“I’m worried for Shiro.” She whispers, and all of a sudden she’s not the strong-willed, hyper-focused, genius of a child that he’s been with for nearly a year— or has it been more?— all of a sudden, there’s a scared child in front of him unsure of her future. “I don’t know where he is, I don’t have any traces of where he could’ve gone… he just disappeared into thin air.” Her arms wind around Lance’s torso, squeezing him tight as if he might disappear just like Shiro. “I’m so, so scared that if we can’t even find Shiro, we wouldn’t be able to find Matt or my dad.”

“We will find him.” Lance says. 

But the voice inside his head, the one that’s been plaguing him all this time, whispers _will we?_ and causes doubts to spread and stiffen his body.

“You’re a smart kid, you’ll figure it out. And if you can’t, we have an entire team of people who are able to share our resources and we can catch him in no time.” His own words comfort him and he relaxes, thankfully going unnoticed by Pidge. “If you run into any troubles, you have us. You have Voltron by your side.”

“It’s weird that you are so mature.” Pidge giggles, sleep crawling up her voice and taking over her mind. “I’m used to Shiro being the mature one, you being the guy I could always rely on to pull a prank with… it’s like you’re taking on both roles now.”

“Shhh.” Lance huffs out, trying not to shake her off. “You should sleep now.” 

“I don’t want to.” She whines, though they both know that she does. “Tell me a story.” She says, because she’s a kid and Lance is the best kind of storyteller around.

“I have siblings too— two older siblings and I was the younger one. They were relatively older than me, so by the time I turned twelve, they always got hitched or were getting hitched and were expecting children.

“Knowing our family, we would rather build another part of our house than have someone leave— so that’s what we did. My dad, who’s a pretty good contractor, just built a new part of the house on our land just away from the main house. I spent the entire summer lugging around the two places to help insulate everything and such. By the end of it my siblings, who were out on their own vacations, were so surprised and they almost cried because of my dad and my uncles and I.”

Lance continues to talk, but Pidge fell asleep as soon as he began to speak. Soon enough, he falls asleep to Pidge’s soft snores and they stay like that for hours until Hunk wakes them up for dinner. 

Lance wakes up with a crick in his neck, half his body ringing with sleeping muscles and joints, and a snoring Pidge who refuses to let him go in her iron grip. Hunk, of course, takes his phone out to take pictures. Lance, trying to not disturb his body from the stinging pain, wakes Pidge up and hopes that she doesn’t get too upset at him for letting her sleep for so long. She wakes up with a grumble, and after a moment of fruitlessly burrowing her head into Lance’s chest, she slides off and tries to koala-climb up Hunk. Unfortunately, the latter just guides her along to the door and looks at Lance with pursed lips and a raised eyebrow. 

Ah— the classic _you’re telling me what just happened_ look. Pidge mumbles a small _thanks_ before leaving to sleep some more.

_Success._

Lance rises up the bed and stretches his arms and lets his joints crack a few times before lifting his arms up towards Hunk. “Carry me.” He whines, letting himself get picked up by his best friend and hearing Hunk sigh dramatically before they both head out to Lance’s bedroom. “You’re the best.” Lance says.

“I know.” Hunk replies. 

 

——

 

The two of them find themselves back into Lance’s room, Hunk busying himself by looking through Lance’s belongings and waiting for Lance to tell him what was up earlier. “So what’s up?” Hunk asks, opening a random book. “Why do you have a cookbook in your drawers?”

“I thought that was a romance novel.” Lance says, eying the cover of a half naked Altean man. “You sure bud?”

“Yeah, because I grabbed the book with the measuring ingredients and translated it and it ended up being in a middle of some weird tentacle-hentai shit.”

“Well…” Lance shrugs, “you can take it I guess?” 

“Thanks. I’ve been looking for this anyways.” Hunk takes the book and shoves it in his evergrowing fanny pack. “I can see how you can be confused though, I didn’t understand it either.”

They sit in silence for a moment, Hunk continuing to shuffle and Lance lounging on his bed. Hunk doesn’t knowingly nose around, but he likes to know everything when he can. “How do you feel about… this?” Hunk asks, just as a thought. “Voltron… _we_ aren’t needed now. The Galra is defeated, Zarkon is gone. But… Shiro… he’s gone too.”

Lance shrugs, thinking about their leader. “I don’t know what to think.” He says, _because I don’t know what to do without Shiro._ “It feels weird to not have a purpose here though, to have a break after so long.” 

_But home just seems too far away at this point._

“Do we need a purpose to be here?” Hunk asks, thinking about their own adventures. “It feels… off, to consider everything. Was our purpose here? Or are we doing something beyond Voltron now?”

“Are we just going to be stuck like this?” Lance hums, stretching his arms out and Hunk just falls on the bed beside him. “Are we ever going to go home? We seem to always want to stay here, to be stuck here forever to find a purpose that might not even be ours to begin with.” 

“We’re going to find Shiro.” Hunk promises. “Then, we can finally head home.” But the question hangs in the air. 

Will we?

Can we?

What is…

“Home.” Lance whispers. “What do you consider home to you now, Hunk?”

He doesn’t answer, his eyes gloss over and his bottom lip is sucked in between his teeth and it’s a gentle, sad look on Hunk’s face that gets Lance feeling guilt over the question.

Lance doesn’t continue the conversation and the two fall asleep in tense silence. . 

 

—

 

 

He wakes up in the morning with his skin feeling like it wants to leave his body and he realizes that it’s because he hasn’t been putting any effort into doing his skincare routines. He gets out of bed slowly, listening to the whips and whirls of the castleship and slipping his lion slippers. Lance trudges into the kitchen with a single-minded focus on coffee and pretends that the night before left him in a healthier mindset rather than the actual truth.

Allura is sitting on the counter too, hair done up in two space buns (ironic) and she’s staring into a cup of juniberry tea that Coran had found in the pantries. Judging by it’s taste and smell, it’s still good and it gives Allura a gentle smile after every sip. 

God, Lance adores her. 

“How’re you doing, Princess?” Lance asks, leaning against the counter and seeing her head turn up, fully seeing her dark circles that cover her eyes. “You’re not doing so hot, are ya?”

“Lance,” Allura sighs out, raising her hand and already telling him to stop, “I’m not in the mood.”

“No one is in the mood, Allura.” Lance says. The serious tone to his voice causes Allura’s eyes to widen a fraction. “We’re stuck here, without our leader and we’ve been floating in space for who knows how long. I haven’t even seen Coran in forever. We won, haven’t we? So what’s our next steps?”

“I don’t know.” Allura mumbles, gripping tighter on her coffee mug. “I don’t know everything, Lance. Is that what you want me to say? At this point, I don’t know anything at all and if the Galra were to come and attack us, then we would be in gigantic trouble.” Allura sighs and leans her head back until she’s looking at the fluorescent lights of the ceiling. “I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. We’re all kids, at this point.”

“We are,” Lance agrees, “but we have to look past it. We’re going to get through this, you know. We’re going to find Shiro, we’re going to take down the Galra empire for good, and we’re going to win.”

“What if what we win isn’t worth the chaos we cause?” Allura whispers. “Voltron… the fact of it all is that it’s meant for peace and alliances but all we have are two Alteans that are hundreds of thousands of years old and teenagers that barely saw the face of war before they hopped in.” She sets her cup down and buries her face in her hands. “I’m barely keeping it together and it’s showing in our teamwork, but I’m so unsure and scared that everything is going to fall apart now.”

“We won’t, nothing will.” Lance says, taking a step forward and gently grabbing Allura’s hands. “Hey, it’s tough now but we can get through this, okay? We can.”

“How do you know?”

_I don’t._

“I just do.” Lance assures her. 

_Stop lying._

He thinks about changing his attack. 

“Do you want me to make you a tea and we can head to your room and do a few face masks and hair treatments to talk everything over about this?” Allura relaxes yet stiffens at the exact same time, giving Lance a weary look. “Not like that. It’s just… we never get to talk, especially since I’ve had this major crush on you ever since we formed Voltron—”

“I haven’t noticed.” Allura says, lips tilting up. “But go on.”

“But,” Lance continues, pursing his lips at Allura and squinting his eyes, “you’re someone I’ve come to admire and you’re a damn good leader. I want to be your friend, if you would ever let me.”

“Oh Lance,” Allura whispers. “I’d be honoured to.” She furrows her eyebrows for a second, weariness still on her face and Lance curses at himself. 

Work harder. 

You’re not going to be enough for the team if you can’t help everyone. 

“But…” Allura reaches for a strand of her hair and plays with it as she makes eye contact. “Why do you treat me so differently if you aren’t looking for a courtship, if that is what you are saying?”

Lance feels the tips of his ears warm. “I… did want to court you? I guess? But in the end it was just my dumb flirting. You’re just… so beautiful and the fact that you seem to be on top of your shit all the time just made you even more attractive to me. But now, it’s just me wanting to be your friend.”

“Coran is your friend, but you don’t say half the stuff you say to me.” Allura reasons. “I don’t understand why I’m so different. I’m your teammate, and I’m an Altean. Just like Coran. Your teammates are people you do not hesitate with either, so why am I the odd one out?”

_You’re different because you’re better than me. You are the person I want to be but my own weaknesses prevent me from doing so._

_I want to be stronger for my friends._

“I’m sorry.” Lance quickly says. “If it made you uncomfortable, I mean. I never meant for it to go that far, but in the end I just got really nervous talking to you and my bad pickup lines and jokes always seemed to work with awkward situations. But it’s all I can rely on when I’m with you.”

“They aren’t very good.” Allura mentions. “Or funny.” Lance stares at the shining gradients of Allura’s eyes and sees a shine in them that gets him thinking that he’s getting through to her. 

“I’m working on it.” Lance replies, about to frown but he sees Allura’s lips turn up into a small smile. “But, you have to give me some time to fully get over you.” Allura laughs and Lance winks. 

“I’ll give you as much time as you need.” She replies. 

Jackpot. 

“So,” Lance hums, stretching his arms out, “how do you feel about this makeover day? I have the best idea on how to do your hair.”

“I’d be honoured to join you, Lance.” She hops off the counter, reaching to grab her mug and then link her arms with Lance’s. “ And I have the best hair treatment for you.”

“No wonder your hair is so controlled all the time.” Lance huffs. “Magic Altean hair wax.”

Allura smiles and a small giggle leaves her mouth. There’s a moment of equilibrium and relaxation in the castle that day. 

 

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

 

Keith leaves in the middle of the day in Red to look for Shiro.

Lance works on everyone else as they begin their search and calm their frustrations with the impatient Red Paladin.

Hunk and Pidge begin a small list of ways they can track Shiro down, starting off small then diving straight into scientific jargon that Lance doesn’t understand. 

He leaves the room, and he bumps into Coran. So Lance ends up cleaning healing pods and working the training simulator and ignoring the pain his chest as he pushes himself. 

Harder,

Faster  
Better. 

 

 

 

 

—— 

 

 

 

 

After hours of being gone, Keith returns with white knuckles and bruised lips and a throat scratched up from yelling too hard. 

Lance makes him tea, and lets Keith rest on his chest as he screams and yells more frustrations into his body. “I’m sorry.” Lance chants to Keith, running his fingers through his hair. 

_For not doing enough._

_For not being enough._

_For not being Shiro._

_For being me._

Keith doesn’t reply. 

Lance continues to whisper to him and ignores the feeling of tears soaking through his shirt. 

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

 

Then a routine starts for Lance. 

First, he wakes up and removes his mask, maybe meeting Allura in the kitchen for a cup of whatever drink they have, greeting Coran if he gets out of bed as early as they do. Then, Lance spends half an hour in the training simulator before going to pick up Hunk to cook breakfast. 

Keith and Pidge are interchangeable depending on who might be in the better mood. 

Most of the time, it’s Pidge, then Keith.

But he drags the two of them out of bed and then he goes around his rounds as everyone begins their own little adventures and plans. He doesn’t let himself stay in one place for too long, because that isn’t where he belongs. 

He doesn’t really belong anywhere, at this point. 

But he’s the needle that threads everything together. He keeps the team from falling apart and stitches the seams that seem too big to ignore. 

Allura and Coran search starmaps for remote locations that the Witch or any other Galran Warships wouldn’t find their in. Pidge and Hunk begin a search for Shiro using his DNA from his room and using a quintessence match with Black. 

Keith leaves on some days, buries himself in the training simulator more often than not. Maybe, when Lance reminds them to take a break, Keith rests himself between Pidge and Hunk and tells them stories from his Garrison days. They’re small anecdotes, something that causes him to tear up slightly and leave the room and cause Hunk and Pidge to work harder. 

He opens up, little by little. 

Lance isn’t there to see most of it, because he leaves the ship for supplies that Allura asks him to get, and he doesn’t let himself get into his own mind even for a second. 

No one doesn’t anything relatively like what Lance is doing for the team. Mostly because they don’t realize it themselves. But the moment the team just stops and the gears stop whirring, it’s Lance’s job to kick them into action and motivate them until it’s time for rest and food.

He sacrifices himself for it. In the moment, he’s glad that no one is there to watch his back because Allura needs help with not falling over. Coran needs help with the castle maintenance and cleaning. Hunk and Pidge let anxiety roll into them in tsunami-like waves that cause Lance to stay up countless nights singing them to sleep and praying to a God that doesn’t exist to let him and his friends be successful. 

Whenever Lance isn’t in the training room, Keith is.When Pidge doesn’t wander into Lance’s room in the dead of the night, Lance is with Keith and is soothing his cries and covering his daydreams from fears and paranoia that wreaks his mind and cause Keith to go on a universe wide search again. Maybe, though, Keith stays in the safety of the hangers and spends hours with Black and Red instead. Slowly, but surely, Lance realizes that he’s never going to be there for Keith in the way he ultimately wants to be. 

Lance lets his sanity get sacrificed for the idea that they will save Shiro.

Lance couldn’t possibly, because he’s not a hard worker or a genius or a prodigy, nor is he royalty or an advisor. 

He’s plain old Lance Reyes. 

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

Then, he gets tired.

Lance refuses to count the weeks in case he feels like he’s counting down to something, but in the end the emotional exhaustion and maintenance of his friends results in their anxieties being pushed onto him. Their fears, their insecurities, are switched with Lance’s false confidence and turn it into their own. 

Lance chooses to wander the halls of the ship at night, memorizing the curves and hallways and the familiar sounds the castle makes in a vague attempt to make this place his own home. 

There’s a call to the back of his mind and there’s Blue, pushing at him in a sense of urgency and restlessness that he’s felt for days now. He hums, pushes back playfully but all of a sudden there’s an urge to rush to the hangers in his own clothes. 

“What’s wrong, girl?” Lance asks, the moment he rushes down. “Do you need help? Are you in trouble.”

A wave of irritation just travels through his body and he remembers that Blue is in his mind as much as he is. “Hon, you don’t have to worry about me.” Lance whispers, pressing his head against his jaw and humming back at her. “I’m going to be fine, we all know this. I can’t like to you, babe.”

But he did, so Blue opens her jaw and scoops him in with his own thoughts resounding in his mind like a strange echo. 

_Take me away from here._ He hears himself say. 

And Blue begins to fly into a void of stars and supernovas. 

The sight is beautiful, and Lance curls himself into the chair with a blanket he had for storage and he leans forward to watch the passing of planets. “Do you know where you’re going?” Lance asks, raising his eyebrows when Blue doesn’t respond. “Hey, listen to me—”

And she picks up speed and Lance sees stripes instead of stars and the words escape his thoughts. _I do,_ she whispers the moment he’s lost in his own thoughts.

_Let me take you there, my paladin._

Which was, whoa, because Blue never spoke to him in such a soothing voice. 

He curls up into his seat after his legs slip out from under him and rests his head on his knees. He watches planets celebrate with parties after their escape from under the Galra rule and he watches as there are still sentries and Galra fighters are staying on planets to keep Zarkon’s legacy.

Lance hums, closing his eyes and thinking about the future, about home. About Voltron and his teammates. They probably don’t know where he is. But at this point, he’s so far away that he’s pretending that they aren’t there for him. 

 

 

 

 

Lance wakes up with a start, with Blue hitting the ground roughly and a rumble from Blue waking him up. 

“Where are we?” Lance asks, tlooking at hte bright lights and pulsing bass that shakes his core. “Blue.. Is this a party planet?” He asks her, a smile lighting his face as Blue gives him a feeling of smug accomplishment. “Oh my god, babe, I love you. You’re my favourite lion.”

_I know._

He pops the collar on his jacket and he stretches his arms. “You know the deal then, if I’m not back within the next couple vargas then you gotta leave.” He leaves through her jaw and pats her face. “If I get into trouble, leave me behind. I can’t get you stuck in this.”

Lance memorizes star maps and odd constellations that he would make with Hunk to whatever star system they visit. Lance doesn’t know this. Does anyone even know who he is here? He shrugs his shoulders and heads into the closest club-like building that he sees. 

He misses silver hair and golden eyes following his steps. 

—

 

He sits in front of a bar with a vague recollection of his knowledge of Galran language. At this point, Lance gets that it’s basically the common tongue but he didn’t get to learn alcoholic drinks out of everything in his own time in his bedroom reading up on the language. 

Then someone comes up behind the counter with tentacles cleaning up multiple glasses and one pair of eyes makes contact with Lance’s. “Still lookin’?” They ask, eyes moving and tentacles grabbing drinks. “Or have ya decided yet?”

“Uh—” Lance doesn’t really drink, but he doesn’t know space club etiquette either. “Give me the weakest thing you have?”

“Working your way up?” Tentacle-Bartender asks, a smirk on their face. “Just got the thing for ya, wait a second.”

Then a drink appears in front of him, rainbow coloured with a fruit on top. Lance smiles and lifts the drink to his lips—

Oof, alcohol was never Lance’s favourite thing. But the burn was familiar and stronger than what he was used to in the beginning, but Lance continues to drink and watch bodies on the dancefloor as music that he doesn’t quite understand booms overhead. 

Silver hair and purple skin settles in beside Lance in peripheral vision, and with a quick glance to the side Lance is almost completely winded by the Galra— if he is? He doesn’t look like he is completely— man who’s talking smoothly to the bartender in a low voice. 

“Don’t tell them I’m here—”

“Don’t worry sir, I won’t.” The bartender answers, and leaving a drink on the counter. “Your usual, sir.”

Lance brings his eyes back to the dancefloor and continues to drink. 

“Excuse me?” He hears a smooth voice call, then a gentle tap on your shoulder. “I’m sorry, am I bothering you?” Lance hopes his eyes aren’t too wide and he’s faced with Galran Beauty’s full face. He barely manages a shake of his head. “Ah, alright. Do you mind if I ask you a question?” Galran Man smiles at him and Lance is absolutely gone. Winded. Blown away. 

_RED ALERT._

_RED ALERT._

_Someone out of your league is talking to you!_

“Not really, what’s up?”

“You’re the most beautiful creature I have ever met.” Galran man says to him, in earnest. “If I am not being rude, where do you reside from?” Lance feels his face burn at the compliment, a low whine leaving his throat at the realization that his beautiful, beautiful man is complimenting him. “You’re skin is so beautiful…” Galran Man says, cheeks burning into a deep purple on his cheekbones. 

“I know I am, but how about you?” Lance asks back, mustering his embarrassment into faux courage and leaning forward to have their noses barely touching. “You’re just as beautiful, if not more than I am.” For a second they hold eye contact and then there’s a cold hand on his face. “Wh—”

“I’m sorry!” He replies back, pulling his hand away and turning into a darker purple. “I couldn’t help myself, your skin is so exquisite and your weather conditions must be so forgiving and kind to your species.”

“I- uh,- I actually just use product.” Lance squeaks out, embarrassed at the affectionate touch. “I’m from Earth, you see? And we all have different skin types and my workmates don’t have the same as me even though Keith is honestly so pretty that it isn’t fair—” Galran Man reaches forward to lift Lance’s hand and bring it to his face. “— And like, my engineer and technician are also really cute even though they don’t take care of their skin, so I’m super jealous but I get it, right? And what are you doing?!”

All of a sudden, Lance’s hand is curled around and cupping this really pretty Galran Man’s face without any prompting. “I felt guilty that I got to touch your beautiful skin and look so deeply in your eyes that I felt it was fair if you did the same to me.” He smiles at Lance nervously, “I also use product, but you have such a beautiful tone and glow to your skin like you are a glowing star in the least polluted system.”

“That’s very romantic.” Lance croaks out.

“I sure hope it is, because it’s the truth.”

“You’re so lying though.” Lance gushes out, brushing his thumb over his cheekbone. “Your skin is like, way better than mine at this point. I’m so jealous!”

Maybe Lance has the buzz of alcohol running through his system, but Galran Man seems to beautiful in the club lights even as his face lights up in a smile and brings their drinks down onto the counter. “Dance with me.” He demands, and Lance nods loosely. He’s led onto the dancefloor with shakey legs and unsure arms as the Galra in front of him dips and bobs around him with hooded eyes and the ever constant lilac flush. 

Somehow, they get pushed up against each other in the business of the club as the night gets later and the music goes harder. At that point, the Galra is basically grinding on him and Lance is embarrassingly grinding back and maybe a little half hard if anything. 

For a second, there’s a vibration against his leg and the Galran man is pulling away as club lights show his face in reds and blues in a sign of remorse. “Unfortunately, it is my time to go.” He announces. “Do you by chance have a communicator that we can connect?”

“Uh, no.” Lance replies awkwardly. “Sorry.” Galran Man frowns and digs into his pocket, “Why—?”

“Here.” Galran Man says, pulling out a thin sheet of glass and pushing it against Lance’s chest in a moment of surprise and instant fear. “This is my personal commicator, which only goes to my line. I hope you use it.” He turns on his heel and begins to walk away before stopping and turning back around to face Lance, flush gone and eyes looking him over. “What is your name, fair one?” He asks. 

“Lance.” He replies. 

“Lance.” Galran Man echoes. “It has been a pleasure, I am Lotor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/haarucchii)   
>  [Tumblr](http://www.haarucchii.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> lol did u think it'd be klance first?? no its slow burn angst my friend  
> talk to me  
> [ Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/haarucchii)  
> [Tumblr](http://www.haarucchii.tumblr.com)


End file.
